No, Not At Eighteen

Took a fall last Friday that left me on crutches. Thought I might have broken loose one of the bones that was fused in my leg and ankle. Doctor’s xray showed nothing broken, just a torn ligament. Which, of course, takes longer to heal than a broken bone. As if that wasn’t bad enough, coming down the stairs from our front door into the tiled sunroom I took flight. Crutches don’t make good wings.

Actually the flight wasn’t that bad, although it was less in distance and time than the Wright brothers at Kitty Hawk. It’s the landings I keep having trouble with - can’t seem to get my wheels down in time to prevent a crash. Head first on the tile floor, not a very forgiving surface, even for a hard-headed male Paul. When I came to, I had a bump and cut on my head, four jammed fingers on my right hand, a sore shoulder, sore knee and a slight concussion, plus more damage to my ankle. Wow, all that in less than 3 seconds. And no, I hadn’t been drinking, unless decaf coffee counts.

How’s the old Zen saying go? "Pay attention, damn it." That might not be exact.

I hope that another old saying doesn’t have application in this instance: "everything comes in threes." Unless, of course, I consider what the doctors at the Foot and Ankle Institute in Seattle said today counts as the third one. They told me that I have to wait a year after removal of the hardware from my leg/ankle, before they will consider giving me a ankle prosthesis. That means it will be some time in October before I can get that surgery done. I had been hoping for this spring so I could be healed and on a mountain by this summer. No such luck. Guess I’ll just have to hobble my skinny butt up there a little slower than I would prefer. More time to pay attention.

Hells bells, I may still be on crutches by our 50^th high school class’s reunion this summer. Fifty years! Oh well, at least I’ll have made it, knock on wood, and no more tile floors. Some of our class mates haven’t, and that is always sad. When you are eighteen your whole life is in front of you. You don’t think about getting old, and the body that has supported you for those eighteen years, and is at its peak, will someday fail you. Just let me get out on my own, the party is just beginning. Look out world here I come. College, graduate school, marriage, job, children, divorce, marriage, job, children, grandchildren, retirement. None of that was high on our radar screens at eighteen. Little did some of us know that the military was also right around the corner. For some that meant Vietnam, and death, for others it meant a life of living hell. I wrote a poem at the beginning of the Iraq war that’s appropriate for all wars: Wars a whore that fucks your mind, that steal your soul and leaves you blind, to the terrors you have seen, and horrors worse than any dream.

At eighteen those aren’t even a possibility. Getting laid, getting drunk, now that’s a different story. Not suicide, addictions, death of friends and love ones, death of children and grandchildren, failed relationships, not at eighteen. In the immortal words of Forrest Gump; "Shit happens." But that is only part of the story, actually a small part.

Little did we know or understand the satisfaction that a long time marriage could bring, a year going steady in high school was a loooong time. The joy of seeing your children and grandchildren being born, their first teeth, first steps, and all the other first they would bring. The simple daily things that we all too often take for granted: rainbows, butterflies, the pungent aroma of the morning coffee, delicious sunrises and sunsets, a smile a tear and oh so many more, little things. The little things that fill the spaces between everything else. That bring coherence, that tie together the days, week, months and years of a lifetime. Not at eighteen could I have predicted all the joys and sorrow that make life full to the brim and overflowing. No, not at eighteen. 

MY DELUSION, MY DELUSION, HERE’S WHY I HAVE FORSAKEN YOU

Truth is the only god worth serving, even if it destroys dogma - J.B. Hannay

 (Delusion: a false belief that is resistant to reason or confrontation with actual fact)

Recently I heard William Young speak at a Sunday service at the Corvallis Foursquare, Life Spring Church. William Young is the author of a highly popular book in Christian circles called The Shack . I had read the book an was taken aback not only by Mr. Young’s playing with Biblical theology, but by his shallow, in my opinion, treatment of human suffering.

In contrast to Mr Young’s book, I just finished reading a book by Bart D. Ehrman (God’s Problem: How the Bible Fails to Answer our most Important Question - Why we suffer). This book is a serious study, by a highly qualified theologian, on the Biblical God’s failure to alleviate human suffering, and in fact is the creator and sustainer of such suffering. In my opinion, this makes the God as presented in the Bible as being nothing short of masochistic. Some will probably say that is blasphemy, but let’s look at the facts.

God, by definition in Christian theology is Omnipotent (all powerful), Omnipresent (everywhere, in both time and space), Omniscient (all knowing). That said, as creator and sustainer of the entire universe, He (she, it) is ultimately responsible for how his creation functions. So how does it function, on a human level? What follows is a compilation of facts gleaned from governmental and non governmental organizations around the world:

1. The US Department of Justice reports for the year 2007 that over 800,000 children are reported missing. Of those, 58,200 are children abducted by a non-family member. That is one child every 40 seconds or 2100 per day.

2. The United Nations reports that 15 million children starve to death every year in the world. That is a child starves to death every 3.6 seconds, 1,028 per hour or approximately 25,000 per day. 800 million people suffer from hunger and malnutrition world wide, and it is growing.

3. The World Health Organization estimates between 300-500 million new cases of malaria per year, of that 1 million will die.

4. The American Cancer Society estimates for the year 2002 were that 555,500 Americans would die of cancer. That is 1,500 deaths per day.

5. It is estimated that 1.2 million people will die world wide due to auto accidents. There is no estimated how many will suffer injury and permanent damage.

6. It is estimated that in an average year 195,000 people in the US will die in a hospital due to medical error.

7. According The International Labor Organization, 1.2 million children are in forced servitude, making $15 billion annually for those that hold them captive.

The ICWO (Indian Community Welfare Organization) says that there are between 700,000 and 4 million people trafficked annually worldwide. Child trafficking is the third largest source of illegal profit, behind arms and drugs.

8. 25% of the approximately 2.3 million sex workers in India are minors, most are sent to Middle East nations.

9. The United nations estimates that there are at least 300,000 children serving as soldiers worldwide. Burma has the greatest number, some 70,000 child soldiers. The Children’s Rights Division of Human Rights Watch reports that children are fighting in 33 different conflicts. The typical child soldier is from 15 to 18 years of age, with some as young as 10. The percentage of female child soldier in El Salvador, Ethiopia and Uganda is almost one-third.

10. Anti-Slavery International estimates that over 27 million people around the world are slaves and at least 200 million people exist in some form of bondage. Today over 8 million children worldwide are slaves , of these, 1.8 million are forced into prostitution or pornography.

11. The Center for International Studies at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology in November 2002 estimated that there were 13 million refugees worldwide. The United Nations Commissioner for Refugees estimates that 9 million of them are children.

12. From Jan 2006 to Feb 2008 there have been documented 52,421 violent deaths to civilians in Iraq. For the entire Iraq war civilian deaths from violence is between 82,987 and 90,521. The authors of a study titled: The Human Cost of the War In Iraq, says that their research carries a 95% "confidence index" and that the range of violence related deaths is between 426,369 and 793,663. We went to war in Iraq over less than 3,000 people dying in 911.

The above list of suffering and deaths could go on and on. I haven’t even covered mental and emotional suffering and many other kinds. We have at least 4,000 years of written civilization and 100's of thousands of years prior to that where people suffered and died. And yet we are told, god is love.

Often the pat answer is; "Who are we to question god’s ways." Better yet, I really like the one; "When we get to heaven it will all be made clear to us." Or "Don’t worry when Jesus comes He will wipe away every tear." Or how about this; "God gave us free will, he doesn’t want robots." If free will is associated with the choice to make mistakes which create suffering and death, and in heaven there is no suffering and death, then there must not be any free will in heaven. "I robots" for ever dancing around the throne of an insecure god that continually needs praise from his creation in order to be happy. Doesn’t make a whole lot of rational sense.

God is portrayed in the Bible as, all powerful, all knowing, loving, compassionate, etc, etc. Surely he knew what would happen when he created the earth. Knowing this why couldn’t this god just skip the experiment on planet earth and go directly to the heaven experiment? Why cause billions of people, to say nothing of all the other plants and animals, to suffer. Sure sounds masochistic to me.

Some will say; " boy are you angry with god." That is the farthest from the truth. I don’t get mad at Santa Clause when I don’t get what I want. For me, it is the same type of delusion. What, if anything I get angry about, is the delusions people create to justify not doing anything, and the life styles they have perpetuated for themselves that add to the pain and suffering of fellow human beings in the process. Like the now famous quote from Dick Cheney; "So." Hey, I got mine, to hell with everyone else.

I know that I too have created pain and suffering in myself and others lives. And it’s not that I see myself above others, because I don’t. Maybe it’s because of my awareness of suffering and pain around me and what little I can do to alleviate it, that is so frustrating. We give lip service to being compassionate, caring, loving people. Are we really? When we see the genocide, the squalor, the pain and suffering on the evening news, or documentary films, what is our reaction? Do we turn on our tap water knowing full well that the majority of the people in the world can’t even find clean water to drink, let alone a tap to turn on? Do the statistics compiled above just overwhelm us to the point of there being just statistics? Or do they touch our hearts, knowing that they aren’t just numbers, but real people? People like us with hopes, dreams, families and children. People who can feel pain and suffer just like us. Or are they just the "other?" The anonymous ones.

These questions are valid to ask, whether or not one believes in a god. From my perspective, those that believe in a loving god that created all this have a much more difficult time reconciling all the above than those of us who don’t believe. Maybe, this is why religions create such elaborate myths and dogmas in trying to explain their particular belief systems. Again, from my perspective, none of them stand up to critical analysis. They are unable to follow the maxim; "search for the truth; follow it; do your utmost to find it; let it be your guide wherever it may lead." Instead they all proclaim "we have the truth." If all religions claim to have the truth, then it would appear that none have the truth. They are often contradictory and therefore can not all be reconciled within one belief system.

The atheist, on the other hand, is not encumbered with a belief system that has to be justified with sacred texts, rituals, ornate cathedrals (mosques, temples, etc), mumbo jumbo magic incantations and special robes for the initiated and last but not least, tithes (sacrifices) to appease the god or gods. The atheist has learned, or is learning, to accept things the way they are, and to change that which he or she can change. That is, that which is within their sphere of influence. This places the responsibility on the individual to do the best they can with what they have. It means action now, not pie in the sky "when we all get to heaven." It means, to use the old saying, living simply so that other might simply live.

Perspective from Dimple Hill

Watched the Story of Stuff yesterday on U-Tube. Amazing how a simple reminder about all the crap, stuff, things, we accumulate in life brings awareness to how enslaved we have become to them. I recall a bit of wisdom from the Native American tradition that goes something like this: "Every object has a spirit attached to it. As I attach myself to this object (stuff) out of a needy desire, the spirit of the object attaches itself to me." The corollary is that with each attachment I become more possessive, more greedy and more in bondage to "them." The more objects of attachment, the more spirits are attached to me.

This truism was brought home to me as I was out riding my bike in McDonald Forest today. I was headed from the Witham Hill house to the top of Dimple Hill, about 17 miles round trip. I see many hikers with I-Pods. My guess is they are listening to music. What the fuck are they trying to drown out in the solitude of the forest? Stopped and talked to another biker on my way down, told him one of the things I appreciated about him was that he didn’t have earphones on."Yeah" he said. Neither of us could fathom going into the forest and missing the sounds of silence. Attachments!

I stop to take a water break at the 6 mile fork in the road, one goes to McCullock Peak (elev. 2178 ft.) the other to Dimple Hill (elev. 1478 ft.). I watch a small white moth, and listen for wings beating the cool spring air. The apparent randomness of its flight is mystifying. Probably sniffing the air for pheromones from a moth of the opposite sex. It is spring and the sexual sap is flowing. There is a rat-a-tat-tat high in a doug fir. A wood pecker looking for a late afternoon snack. The beating of beak against bark echos throughout the forest. The bursting of leaf buds explode new life everywhere I gaze. The forest screams, pay attention, pay attention!

This is only my second ride since getting over the flu two weeks ago. Don’t know if I have the stamina to make it to the top. The next half mile is a gentle up hill grade. I stop for more water just before the hairpin bend, need to stay hydrated. I now face a mile and a quarter that is a moderate to steep grind. Put my bike in low gear and prepare my mind. I know every curve and straight stretch on this road. I have ridden it many times, but today is going to be a challenge both mentally and physically if I am going to make it to the summit. Progress is slow, and that’s okay, one turn of the crank at a time. Don’t look up and too far ahead, stay focused on the immediate. Need to pay attention to my breathing. I know that if I try too go to fast I will get winded, lactic acid builds up in the muscles, and fatigue sets in. Staying at a steady pace is always best. Discipline.

I try to stay focused on my physical body’s needs and at the same time observe the beauty of the forest that surrounds me. This requires splitting my mind into two modes of conscious awareness. My physical eyes notice the road, the huge trees, the grassy under story of the forest floor. This is so different from the brushy coast range or the soft pine and fir needles covering the forest floor of the high Cascades. My minds eye pays attention to thirst, tiredness, breathing and heart rate. Being in such a beautiful place helps unite the two into one. In his essay Poetry and the Primitive, Gary Snyder states: "Outwardly, the equivalent of the unconscious is the wilderness: both of these terms meet, one step even farther on, as one."

Now McDonald Forest is a far cry from wilderness in the sense of "wilderness area," being roadless and relatively untouched by humans. Mac forest is, after all, the research forest of Oregon State University’s School of Forestry. As such it sees periodic thinning and clear cutting in small designated areas, but it also has an area set aside as "old growth." Yes, it is disconcerting to ride into an area where I haven’t been for some time and see that it has been logged. On the other hand, it is wonderful to have this resource so close and to be able to use it and share it with others.

I almost wrote, "with others of like mind." Which brings me back to stuff. I realize that stuff isn’t just the physical "things" we are attached to, it is also the mental junk that fills our conscious and unconscious mind. Meditation is found in many spiritual traditions, it is used in every case to clear the mind of extraneous stuff. Meditation takes many forms. Within the Buddhist tradition there is a form known as walking meditation. Since I can no longer walk comfortably, riding my bike has become, for me, my walking meditation. It keeps me focused and sane in a world that appears insane and hell bent for destruction.

When riding I feel a sense of at oneness with my body, my bike, and the diversity of sights, sounds, and smells of the forest. What’s strange is that the sense of oneness is also accompanied with the sense of aloneness. This is not loneliness. It is more of that sense of interconnectedness and inner connectedness. There was a song from the 70's that had a line that went something like this: "one is the loneliest number." But I believe that this is not true especially in a spiritual sense. The one, is the essence of and place from which all else is derived. The one describes wholeness.

I am beginning to feel the flush of success as I look up and see the flat where the road forks. When I get there I take a water break and a breather, before the next quarter mile to the summit. I haven’t seen anyone since I left the lower trails, but now a young biker passes me as if I was standing still. Ah youth. What the hell, at least I am out here.

I now leave the road for the connecting route to upper Dan’s trail and the summit. We’ve had quite a bit of rain in the last few days and the trail is still muddy. I have to get off the bike and push it for about 200 ft; its too steep and muddy. When I get to the top, the biker that passed me is just about to leave. We exchange greetings and wonderment at the scene that lays below us and to the south. There is fresh snow on the foothills of both the coast and Cascade mountains. The air is crisp and yet the sun is warm. The sky is a light blue with wisps of high clouds to the west, hints of more rain to come. There has been a hatch of small black gnats since I was here last - another sign of spring. I sit in the stillness, listen to their humming and sip warm chai tea from a bottle taken from my back pack. The sweetness of the tea adds to the delicious feast before me.

Life doesn’t look and feel so negative and oppressive, from up here. Feeling rested, I put the tea back in the pack, and pack positive thoughts into my mind. From the summit it is a good 2 ½ miles of downhill coasting. I try to keep my speed just under 20 miles per hour. Back in the forest, the sun’s warmth is filtered by the huge trees. The air at this speed has a chill to it. The chill is not cold, it brings a fresh awakening, the eyes tear up and my exposed skin tingles. Life! Simple life! Must remember, stuff isn’t required for this experience.

Robert Pirsig - Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

If your values are rigid you can’t really learn new facts.

You are never dedicated to something you have complete confidence in. No one is fanatically shouting that the sun is going to rise tomorrow. They know it’s going to rise tomorrow. When people are fanatically dedicated to political or religious faiths or any other kinds of dogmas or goals, it’s always because these dogmas or goals are in doubt.